sitting waiting wishing

Boy #1- i have always found you attractive, but you're just too much of a brother to me. i love you, but i just can't imagine being with you, and trust me- i've tried.
Boy #2- you're an asshole, but physically you are everything i want. it's ironic, i know, and a wonderful form of mental torture.
Boy #3- i wasn't even physically attracted to you at all at first- but we connected and that changed everything. i still think about you all the time. i still think we would have been great. at one point i thought i was over you, but i know i won't be until i meet someone new. that's just the way i am. i think part of the problem is that i want what i cannot have. i know you are the same way...i kind of suspect that's one of the reasons you changed your mind about me in the first place.

love itself is a beautiful thing. it's the problems that coincide with love that are ugly. loneliness, rejection, jealousy, etc. i met a really nice guy last week. he was classy and generous, great style, a gentleman...he's been asking me out, but i'm just not attracted to him. i feel bad, but what can i do about it? then on the other hand there's all of my guy friends who want me physically, but don't want to date me. yeah right pigs. when it comes to matters of the heart, there is no trying to make sense of anything. why we fall for the people we fall for, why they don't feel the same, why certain people fall for us... it's all so random and almost depressing. i guess all i can do is patiently wait until i feel that connection again. it's just really frustrating. i've been alone for a long time. i went through pregnancy alone. i'm just tired of being alone... but hey, i'm a big girl. i can take care of myself just fine, and no one said life was supposed to be easy. right?

want you to take me to the H, take me to the O...

So I know I scared some of you yesterday with my early morning hospital trip...so I figured I should let everyone know what the deal is.
I woke up around 2am from a horrible pain I had never felt before. It literally felt like someone had stuck their hand inside of my chest and was squeezing my heart. I tried ignoring it, but it was so intense. I tossed and turned for about 30 min.- the squeezing pain would go on for about 10 min straight, then stop for a couple min, then start again- and whenever the squeezing pain stopped, I felt a different pain- one that shot straight through to my back. I got out of bed, got on the computer and googled "female heart attack symptoms". I didn't think my pain matched up with what the website said, so that was a relief. I went upstairs to wake up my parents- on the way up the stairs I had trouble walking and breathing. When I got to my parents room my dad checked my pulse. My heartbeat was irregular. I told him my symptoms and he thought it sounded like Atrial fibrillation- a heart condition that he suffers from. He, my mother, and I drove to the hospital. Just to make things scarier, my dad ran every red light and sped the entire way. When we got there I had test after test done to figure out what was wrong. Oh the joys of being poked and prodded for hours, lol.
Finally, I had results. The doctors let me know that it wasn't A.Fib, or any permanent heart issue. Basically they think it could be one of three things.
1) a virus was in my body and got trapped in my heart
2) my bones were smooshing my heart- so my heart is bruised
3) this could just be a freak incident that will hopefully never happen again
So for now I'm just taking my pain killers and taking it easy. I feel much better than yesterday and will hopefully be pain free and back to normal soon!!!
Thank you to all my well wishers :)

following up on my last post... (WARNING probably TMI for my male readers)

my doctor won't let me have the surgery done to insert the paraguard until my body is back to normal. her plan to fix my hormone problem doesn't make sense to me, but i'm willing to do anything to get back to the real me. she has me on the pill for the next two months- which means she wants to fight my hormones with more hormones (kind of like how chemo fights sickness with sickness). the thing is, after 72 days the bleeding has finally stopped, but now i cry even more than i did before. i'm just such an emotional mess and it makes me hate myself. i saw a person in a wheel chair today- i cried. ANYTIME i hear dramatic music i cry- for example every time i see a trailor for "where the wild things are" or a commercial for Transformers 2 coming out on DVD . it's so random and sporadic. this happens at least 5 times a day now. i can't wait for these 2 months to be over. i'm so embarrassed and depressed, not to mention still not losing weight, even though i work hard to do so. at least i have a couple of women in my life who can relate. they have been very insightful as well as comforting through all of this.

When are they going to finish that birth control pill for guys...

Ever since the baby, my hormones have been so out of whack. It's incredibly inconvenient and horribly embarrassing. I have to stop myself from crying AT LEAST once a day- and from the most stupid things. Ok, example- I was watching HARRY fucking POTTER and when Ron gave Harry a jealous look, it happened. First there's the big softball in my throat and my eyes start to well up and then I just fight to hold the tears in. I'd say during that Harry Potter movie, this happened at least 5 times, and then I finally just let it out and sat in my basement crying. The scary thing is, I had Ruston almost 6 months ago. So I have to wonder, why are my hormones still so messed up? will I be like this forever now? I hate it so much. I don't feel like me.
I was at work this morning though, talking to my friend and co-worker, and kind of thought of something I hadn't before. I was telling her how I'm in a lot of pain and that this is day 32 of my period, and she asked what birth control I'm on. I told her depovera (the shot) and said that the doc. told me it's normal to have crazy periods for the first 9 months (aka first 3 injections), but my co worker told me to get off of it right away anyway. She said that all of her friends who took it got fat and turned into crazy hormonal freaks. So then I remembered a friend of mine who started getting noticeably chunky for awhile and then recently lost about 10-15 pounds since she switched birth control- I talked to her and it turns out she was on the shot too. I seriously hope it's just the shot that's making me hormonal and keeping me fat, since I've been working so hard to lose weight- with no luck. I called my doctor immediately after work today and she wont be back till next tuesday, so I have to wait to talk to her and see how long it will take for the depovera hormones to leave my body so I can get on paragaurd. Paraguard itself is supposed to be extremely painful to put in, and the only person I know who is on it, had to take off like three days from work after having it put in, because she couldn't walk from the pain. But shit, it's also the only birth control with no hormones, and I'm tired of being the sad fat girl.
So PLEASE, pray that all of this is just due to the depovera, and that I'm not stuck like this forever. I'd like to watch a commercial for rice krispy cereal without having to fight back tears.
:)

<3

so i've been really working on me lately- getting deep down to the nitty gritty. i'm trying hard to deal with some issues so that i can attain peace and live in the sort of serenity that i fantasize about. these are the areas that are holding me back the most.

FORGIVENESS
ANGER
PATIENCE
GRACE

changing my ways is easier said than done of course. i just want so much to be as happy as i pretend to be...to be as happy as all my friends seem to be

: )

I don't feel like writing about it right now, but I've been really struggling with postpartum and general critical depression these past few months. A few of my friends know the details and one of them gave me this card. It made me feel so uplifted and loved that I decided to share it:

Ali,
You are an amazing person and my best friend. I don't know anyone with the courage to do and go through all the things you have this past year. What makes you so amazing is through it all you're still nicer to people than you should be considering how much you've been hurt and had your trust broken. But that's why I love you cause you're such a great person, friend and mother. Remember that no matter what ANYBODY says about you. I know you've been really down lately but things will get better. I don't know when, but they will get better. I love you so much and I'm always here for you.

P.S No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


...I have some amazing people in my life
to all of you that have been here for me- thank you
:)

I've got 99 problems but a dick ain't one

I'm very lonely these days... I can admit that. I would love to find someone that I can really connect with at this point in my life. BUT- I refuse to settle. I deserve someone who will treat me right- that I can be happy with, and so do all of you! I look around at so many of my friends' relationships and I see a lot of misery. If the person you're dating tries to give you a curfew, yells at you, demeans you, doesn't value your opinion, tries to act more like a parent than a companion, etc. Why be with them? I worry about a lot of my friends who are trapped in bad relationships. Don't get me wrong- none of them are in an abusive relationship or anything- but they're definitely unhappy. I was thinking about it today and out of all my friends that are involved with someone, I'd say about 3 of them are with someone who actually makes them happy on a regular.
So yes, I'm tired of being alone, but I'd rather be lonely than with someone who isn't right for me. I know that the right person will be worth the wait...I guess I just kinda hope the wait is over soon... lol :)