I don't feel like writing about it right now, but I've been really struggling with postpartum and general critical depression these past few months. A few of my friends know the details and one of them gave me this card. It made me feel so uplifted and loved that I decided to share it:
Ali,
You are an amazing person and my best friend. I don't know anyone with the courage to do and go through all the things you have this past year. What makes you so amazing is through it all you're still nicer to people than you should be considering how much you've been hurt and had your trust broken. But that's why I love you cause you're such a great person, friend and mother. Remember that no matter what ANYBODY says about you. I know you've been really down lately but things will get better. I don't know when, but they will get better. I love you so much and I'm always here for you.
P.S No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
...I have some amazing people in my life
to all of you that have been here for me- thank you
:)
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
I've got 99 problems but a dick ain't one
I'm very lonely these days... I can admit that. I would love to find someone that I can really connect with at this point in my life. BUT- I refuse to settle. I deserve someone who will treat me right- that I can be happy with, and so do all of you! I look around at so many of my friends' relationships and I see a lot of misery. If the person you're dating tries to give you a curfew, yells at you, demeans you, doesn't value your opinion, tries to act more like a parent than a companion, etc. Why be with them? I worry about a lot of my friends who are trapped in bad relationships. Don't get me wrong- none of them are in an abusive relationship or anything- but they're definitely unhappy. I was thinking about it today and out of all my friends that are involved with someone, I'd say about 3 of them are with someone who actually makes them happy on a regular.
So yes, I'm tired of being alone, but I'd rather be lonely than with someone who isn't right for me. I know that the right person will be worth the wait...I guess I just kinda hope the wait is over soon... lol :)
So yes, I'm tired of being alone, but I'd rather be lonely than with someone who isn't right for me. I know that the right person will be worth the wait...I guess I just kinda hope the wait is over soon... lol :)
Monday, July 13, 2009
Mara
The word Mara means bitter. This is what I am. This is what I've become. I don't know how to change. I am consumed by this. Consumed by my own hatred. I hate men. This is of course a generalization. I know some men who are wonderful people- but still when I sit back and think about the opposite gender AS A WHOLE, I am filled with anger, sadness, and confusion.
When I was pregnant I spent an entire day crying- no balling- out of anger and feelings of injustice all because I was so distraught about how life isn't fair and it's easier to be a man than a woman. I don't just mean because women have periods/menopause and have to have the babies and if the man doesn't want to take any responsibility he doesn't have to because the baby isn't physically inside of him... I mean because men don't have to live in fear of being beaten by their girlfriends (i'm not saying some men don't get get abused by women but is incredibly rare). Men don't need to be afraid of getting raped by some chick at a sorority house (again men aren't the only ones who rape- but 99% of rapists are men. 1% are women and lets face it they are probably statutory rapists- not saying that's ok, but come on). Men don't have to worry about walking alone by themselves at night because a group of women might by hiding in an ally. Men don't have to fear traveling to another country where they will get beaten or arrested for not putting on submissive head coverings and walking in silence 5 steps behind their wife. Men don't have to listen to their ignorant female co-workers joke about how their place is in the kitchen or on their backs in the maternity ward and not the work place. (the jokes aren't even that big of a deal but why can men tell sexist jokes around women they don't even know & those women are just fun haters if they're offended, but people know it's not ok to tell minority jokes to someone who's a minority if you're not actually friends w. that person)
I never understood why God created one gender to be bigger and stronger than the other. It has done nothing but cause problems. I also never understood why God created the other gender to be more emotionally vulnerable. These two things really don't go well together.
There are so many more things I want to say but writing this is just making me angrier and that was not the point. I hope reading this hasn't made anyone mad. I'm not writing this because I love ranting about how men suck or something, I'm writing this because I HATE this anger I have towards my earthly brothers and I want to find peace in my heart again. How though, can I feel peace until things are equal between the sexes? When will women stop being treated this way? Sometimes when I look around me at how evil the world is I just want to cry. I don't know what to do. People say I'm a man hater and roll their eyes when I start to talk about gender injustices, but I can't turn a blind eye to the truth. I can't even imagine living outside of the western world where women are treated like dirt. It makes me cringe with rage when I think about it.
The most beautiful book I've ever read is called Redeeming Love. It is about a woman who is forced to be a prostitute and spends her whole life being rejected, abused, raped, demeaned, etc. She feels nothing but sickness and hatred towards the male gender. One pure, kind hearted man tries to show her love but she is too numb/afraid/bitter to believe that any man can really love. She runs from him but he vows that no matter how long it takes he will honor, love and stay faithful to her- and he does. It takes years but she is finally able to free herself from the burden that is her hatred and all the bitterness slowly melts away from her heart and becomes this amazing love that she has never felt before. This book sent shivers down my spine. I know a lot of you don't know my story but this is what I want more than anything in the world. To rid myself of this burden. To let go. To heal. I just want everyone to know that I'm working on it. It's just going to take time.
Oh, and to all my male friends, I don't hate you. I love you. For being good men. For being real men. Please don't hate me for the way I feel towards your brethren as a whole- like I said, I HATE these feelings and I want them to go away. I know some of you who read this will be angry or annoyed with me for my opinions and that's your right- but please, put yourself in my shoes. Now do you understand?
When I was pregnant I spent an entire day crying- no balling- out of anger and feelings of injustice all because I was so distraught about how life isn't fair and it's easier to be a man than a woman. I don't just mean because women have periods/menopause and have to have the babies and if the man doesn't want to take any responsibility he doesn't have to because the baby isn't physically inside of him... I mean because men don't have to live in fear of being beaten by their girlfriends (i'm not saying some men don't get get abused by women but is incredibly rare). Men don't need to be afraid of getting raped by some chick at a sorority house (again men aren't the only ones who rape- but 99% of rapists are men. 1% are women and lets face it they are probably statutory rapists- not saying that's ok, but come on). Men don't have to worry about walking alone by themselves at night because a group of women might by hiding in an ally. Men don't have to fear traveling to another country where they will get beaten or arrested for not putting on submissive head coverings and walking in silence 5 steps behind their wife. Men don't have to listen to their ignorant female co-workers joke about how their place is in the kitchen or on their backs in the maternity ward and not the work place. (the jokes aren't even that big of a deal but why can men tell sexist jokes around women they don't even know & those women are just fun haters if they're offended, but people know it's not ok to tell minority jokes to someone who's a minority if you're not actually friends w. that person)
I never understood why God created one gender to be bigger and stronger than the other. It has done nothing but cause problems. I also never understood why God created the other gender to be more emotionally vulnerable. These two things really don't go well together.
There are so many more things I want to say but writing this is just making me angrier and that was not the point. I hope reading this hasn't made anyone mad. I'm not writing this because I love ranting about how men suck or something, I'm writing this because I HATE this anger I have towards my earthly brothers and I want to find peace in my heart again. How though, can I feel peace until things are equal between the sexes? When will women stop being treated this way? Sometimes when I look around me at how evil the world is I just want to cry. I don't know what to do. People say I'm a man hater and roll their eyes when I start to talk about gender injustices, but I can't turn a blind eye to the truth. I can't even imagine living outside of the western world where women are treated like dirt. It makes me cringe with rage when I think about it.
The most beautiful book I've ever read is called Redeeming Love. It is about a woman who is forced to be a prostitute and spends her whole life being rejected, abused, raped, demeaned, etc. She feels nothing but sickness and hatred towards the male gender. One pure, kind hearted man tries to show her love but she is too numb/afraid/bitter to believe that any man can really love. She runs from him but he vows that no matter how long it takes he will honor, love and stay faithful to her- and he does. It takes years but she is finally able to free herself from the burden that is her hatred and all the bitterness slowly melts away from her heart and becomes this amazing love that she has never felt before. This book sent shivers down my spine. I know a lot of you don't know my story but this is what I want more than anything in the world. To rid myself of this burden. To let go. To heal. I just want everyone to know that I'm working on it. It's just going to take time.
Oh, and to all my male friends, I don't hate you. I love you. For being good men. For being real men. Please don't hate me for the way I feel towards your brethren as a whole- like I said, I HATE these feelings and I want them to go away. I know some of you who read this will be angry or annoyed with me for my opinions and that's your right- but please, put yourself in my shoes. Now do you understand?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
.jpg)