sitting waiting wishing

Boy #1- i have always found you attractive, but you're just too much of a brother to me. i love you, but i just can't imagine being with you, and trust me- i've tried.
Boy #2- you're an asshole, but physically you are everything i want. it's ironic, i know, and a wonderful form of mental torture.
Boy #3- i wasn't even physically attracted to you at all at first- but we connected and that changed everything. i still think about you all the time. i still think we would have been great. at one point i thought i was over you, but i know i won't be until i meet someone new. that's just the way i am. i think part of the problem is that i want what i cannot have. i know you are the same way...i kind of suspect that's one of the reasons you changed your mind about me in the first place.

love itself is a beautiful thing. it's the problems that coincide with love that are ugly. loneliness, rejection, jealousy, etc. i met a really nice guy last week. he was classy and generous, great style, a gentleman...he's been asking me out, but i'm just not attracted to him. i feel bad, but what can i do about it? then on the other hand there's all of my guy friends who want me physically, but don't want to date me. yeah right pigs. when it comes to matters of the heart, there is no trying to make sense of anything. why we fall for the people we fall for, why they don't feel the same, why certain people fall for us... it's all so random and almost depressing. i guess all i can do is patiently wait until i feel that connection again. it's just really frustrating. i've been alone for a long time. i went through pregnancy alone. i'm just tired of being alone... but hey, i'm a big girl. i can take care of myself just fine, and no one said life was supposed to be easy. right?

want you to take me to the H, take me to the O...

So I know I scared some of you yesterday with my early morning hospital trip...so I figured I should let everyone know what the deal is.
I woke up around 2am from a horrible pain I had never felt before. It literally felt like someone had stuck their hand inside of my chest and was squeezing my heart. I tried ignoring it, but it was so intense. I tossed and turned for about 30 min.- the squeezing pain would go on for about 10 min straight, then stop for a couple min, then start again- and whenever the squeezing pain stopped, I felt a different pain- one that shot straight through to my back. I got out of bed, got on the computer and googled "female heart attack symptoms". I didn't think my pain matched up with what the website said, so that was a relief. I went upstairs to wake up my parents- on the way up the stairs I had trouble walking and breathing. When I got to my parents room my dad checked my pulse. My heartbeat was irregular. I told him my symptoms and he thought it sounded like Atrial fibrillation- a heart condition that he suffers from. He, my mother, and I drove to the hospital. Just to make things scarier, my dad ran every red light and sped the entire way. When we got there I had test after test done to figure out what was wrong. Oh the joys of being poked and prodded for hours, lol.
Finally, I had results. The doctors let me know that it wasn't A.Fib, or any permanent heart issue. Basically they think it could be one of three things.
1) a virus was in my body and got trapped in my heart
2) my bones were smooshing my heart- so my heart is bruised
3) this could just be a freak incident that will hopefully never happen again
So for now I'm just taking my pain killers and taking it easy. I feel much better than yesterday and will hopefully be pain free and back to normal soon!!!
Thank you to all my well wishers :)

following up on my last post... (WARNING probably TMI for my male readers)

my doctor won't let me have the surgery done to insert the paraguard until my body is back to normal. her plan to fix my hormone problem doesn't make sense to me, but i'm willing to do anything to get back to the real me. she has me on the pill for the next two months- which means she wants to fight my hormones with more hormones (kind of like how chemo fights sickness with sickness). the thing is, after 72 days the bleeding has finally stopped, but now i cry even more than i did before. i'm just such an emotional mess and it makes me hate myself. i saw a person in a wheel chair today- i cried. ANYTIME i hear dramatic music i cry- for example every time i see a trailor for "where the wild things are" or a commercial for Transformers 2 coming out on DVD . it's so random and sporadic. this happens at least 5 times a day now. i can't wait for these 2 months to be over. i'm so embarrassed and depressed, not to mention still not losing weight, even though i work hard to do so. at least i have a couple of women in my life who can relate. they have been very insightful as well as comforting through all of this.