sitting waiting wishing

Boy #1- i have always found you attractive, but you're just too much of a brother to me. i love you, but i just can't imagine being with you, and trust me- i've tried.
Boy #2- you're an asshole, but physically you are everything i want. it's ironic, i know, and a wonderful form of mental torture.
Boy #3- i wasn't even physically attracted to you at all at first- but we connected and that changed everything. i still think about you all the time. i still think we would have been great. at one point i thought i was over you, but i know i won't be until i meet someone new. that's just the way i am. i think part of the problem is that i want what i cannot have. i know you are the same way...i kind of suspect that's one of the reasons you changed your mind about me in the first place.

love itself is a beautiful thing. it's the problems that coincide with love that are ugly. loneliness, rejection, jealousy, etc. i met a really nice guy last week. he was classy and generous, great style, a gentleman...he's been asking me out, but i'm just not attracted to him. i feel bad, but what can i do about it? then on the other hand there's all of my guy friends who want me physically, but don't want to date me. yeah right pigs. when it comes to matters of the heart, there is no trying to make sense of anything. why we fall for the people we fall for, why they don't feel the same, why certain people fall for us... it's all so random and almost depressing. i guess all i can do is patiently wait until i feel that connection again. it's just really frustrating. i've been alone for a long time. i went through pregnancy alone. i'm just tired of being alone... but hey, i'm a big girl. i can take care of myself just fine, and no one said life was supposed to be easy. right?